The study also showed that older, satisfied married couples were committed both to their partners and to marriage as an institution. They described their relationships as "smooth sailing" with a minimum of disagreement. Over the years, older couples had become companions. They did things together. They confided in one another. They developed serviceable conflict resolution skills that enabled them to calmly work through their disagreements.

In any enduring relationship each partner has a deep yearning to be heard and understood by their life mate. They yearn for their spouse to peer into their secret self and truly to know what it is like to be me. In the later stages of marriage, couples have the wisdom and the luxury of time to address these inner longings.

Communication in married life can be improved at any stage of the partnership. One strategy is to initiate a dialogue in three steps.

First, one partner articulates a particular frustration to the other. For example, Letty tells Tom that she is frustrated when he doesn't listen to what she says.

The second step requires the other partner to listen so attentively that he or she is able to mirror back almost word for word what was said. Tom's first inclination is to defend himself. However, he puts that inclination to one side and says, "Letty, you are frustrated because I don't seem to listen to what you say."

The final step is very important. The listening party must then acknowledge or validate the other's experience. He or she says how the incident makes sense in terms of the other partner's life experience. For one moment at least he or she has seen life through their partner's eyes. This validation of one's partner's experience allows the couple to connect deeply with one another. Their relationship is strengthened.

Michael Gilbert, C.Ss.R.