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Matthew was 19 and had just started working full-time. When he received his first pay
cheque he went to the bank and organised a loan to buy a car.
His dad helped him select the vehicle but the young man completed all the paper
work himself. His father advised Matthew to make sure the car was insured
before he took it on the road. However, on this point the lad did not follow
his father’s advice.
Tragically, Matthew had an accident. He was driving too close to a car in front of him and
crashed into the back of the car when it had to stop suddenly. The lad was at
fault and was liable for the cost of the repairs to the other vehicle as well
as his own. He had no insurance to draw on.
In such a case, what should the parents do?
One approach would be to step in and sort out the problem for their son. If they
took this line they might simply pay for the repairs themselves so that both
cars are back on the road as soon as possible. They might even pay the insurance
on their son’s car before he drives it again.
At the other extreme, parents might take the position that, since their advice was
ignored, the young adults should have to bear the responsibility for their
actions. In the above situation this could result in the young man having to
sell his damaged vehicle to pay for the repairs to the other car.
The former approach would probably make the parent popular with the youngster but
it also carries with it the risk that the young person will not learn from the mistake
and will fail to take responsibility in similar situations in the future.
The latter approach may upset the young person, particularly if it is obvious that
the parents could meet all the costs. This might lead to communication problems
between them. The young person might see the parents as mean and become
resentful towards them.
Of course a parent might take any number of positions between these two extremes.
In the above case I believe the father gave his son an interest-free loan to
cover the cost of the repairs to both vehicles and to pay for insurance on the
young man’s car.
In such circumstances, it’s hard to know what to do for the best. As parents we
want to get our children out of their difficulties as soon as possible. And
yet, we have a duty to ensure that these young adults learn to behave
responsibly and perhaps the best way of doing this is to allow them to bear the
consequences of their actions.
* * *
I would like to offer a few suggestions that might help parents in such situations.
Firstly, when young people get into strife, parents should be sympathetic rather than
blaming in their approach.
Secondly, parents should point out that the primary responsibility for redressing the
situation lies with the young people themselves.
Thirdly, parents might propose ways in which they could assist the young person to solve
the problem or, alternatively, listen to any requests for help that the young
person might make.
* * *
It has been said that “parents have succeeded when they are no longer needed”. A
key part of a parent’s role is to foster responsibility in their child so that
the child grows into a mature adult. To achieve this, it is important that
children learn to take responsibility for their behaviour as soon as possible.
Such an approach to parenting can start when a child is quite young. For example, if
a little child throws a tantrum and in the process tips over their dish of
ice-cream, then it might be appropriate for the child to miss out on ice-cream
at that meal.
In his book, Unconditional Love, Fr.
Powell SJ emphasises that love requires us to be wholehearted and generous in our
care for others. However, he also points out that, on occasion, love may demand
that we confront the beloved.
As parents, we might be inclined to rush in and rescue our children when they get into
difficulties. Sometimes, though, it is best for young peoples’ development if
we challenge them to take responsibility for solving the problems that they themselves
have created.
Kevin Reed
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