Some of these are group programs. They involve a number of couples coming together to examine issues relating to marriage, with the help of facilitators.

One such program is called "Partnerships". Couples can choose to do this course over a weekend or over two Sundays or two Saturdays or over a series of evenings.

As the Partnerships program goes along, the facilitators invite the couples to talk about various topics, including communication, conflict management, expectations about roles in marriage, sexuality and intimacy, personality differences, finance, parenting, and religion. Most of the discussion is done as couples, so that each person can get to know what their partner thinks about the different issues. Some of the discussion is as a large group, so that all those taking part might learn from one another.

Another program that involves a group of couples is Catholic Engaged Encounter. The brochure describes this as "a weekend experience where couples preparing themselves for marriage are given time to talk together privately about their future lives. The issues for discussion are proposed in presentations from a team of two married couples and a priest. The engaged couple's subsequent discussions are personal and private."

Engaged Encounter is similar to the Partnerships program in bringing together a number of couples and in the topics discussed. However, Engaged Encounter puts even more emphasis on the "personal and private" sharing by the couple. Another difference is the presence of a priest on the team. This is in line with a greater emphasis on the spiritual aspects of married life. There is more reference to explicitly religious topics, such as God's love for us and marriage as a sacrament. However, this does not mean that both partners have to be Catholic. The program is open to any couple considering marriage in the Catholic church.

Just Us (and a facilitator)

Some courses in pre-marriage education involve just the couple themselves together with a facilitator. These are the "inventory" programs, in which the partners fill out a questionnaire or inventory that gives a detailed picture of their approach to life in general and to marriage in particular.

One such course is called "FOCCUS" (short for Facilitating Open Couple Communication, Understanding and Study). There are four one-hour sessions. In the first session, the couple fill in the inventory. Areas looked at include their personal interests, their experience of life in their own families, their styles of communication, their views on sexuality, their approach to finance and their attitude to religious questions. Each person answers the questionnaire individually. Then their responses are analysed (usually with the help of a computer) to show areas where they have similar views and areas where they differ. In the next three sessions, with the help of a facilitator, the couple discuss issues raised by their responses.

A Combination

Some couples do a combination of programs, both the group style with other couples and the inventory style. In the group program they can find encouragement in the mutual support between the couples as well as a chance to share with one another on some important questions. The inventory program can help them discuss issues more deeply with one another.

"These programs are dangerous!"

One young man was wary of pre-marriage courses. He said: "I don't like these programs. I reckon they're dangerous! A friend of mine was going to get married. They were cruising along. No worries. Then they went to one of these courses. They had a big argument on the weekend and they called off the wedding!"

Calling off a wedding is traumatic - for the couple and for their families and friends - but the breakdown is not caused by the pre-marriage program. It's caused by some conflict in the couple's relationship. It's not that the pre-marriage program is dangerous. Rather, the program can alert the couple to dangers in their relationship that they might not otherwise see. In some cases, the couple might be able to address the problem and go on to a happy marriage. In other cases, they might find the conflict between them is too great and decide to call off the wedding. While this is painful, it is better to discover the problems before getting married rather than afterwards.

The vast majority of those who do a pre-marriage course find the experience positive. Their sharing during the program does not lead to conflict. Rather it confirms their commitment to one another. They can then go ahead with their wedding with extra confidence because they have come to know their partner more deeply and have grown closer in their love.

Who to contact

Those looking for further information about preparing for marriage can contact their parish priest. They can also contact agencies that offer pre-marriage programs in their area.

In Australia, people can look under "Centacare" in their phone book. This is the umbrella organisation for Catholic social services throughout Australia. A useful website is that of the Catholic Society for Marriage Education, www.csme.catholic.org.au, which has links to various sites of interest to those preparing for marriage.

Paul Bird, C.Ss.R.