Raising Responsible Children


Raising responsible children is not an easy task, yet it's one that all parents should take seriously. Because it's only when our children are accountable for what they do that they grow into emotionally healthy adults with good self-esteem. The alternative is an adult who takes no responsbility for anything, always looking instead for someone else to take the blame.

Dr. Darrell Burnett, a clinical psychologist and father of three teenagers, agrees with this. "In this age of 'the victim' too many people refuse to be responsible for themselves. Instead they find excuses for the bad things that happen in their lives and blame their parents, their spouse or their economic situation".

The secret here is to start training your children at an early age that responsibility is all about consequences.

So just what can we do as parents to make our children more responsible? And how can we help them understand the connection between behaviour and consequences? Burnett suggests that there are five steps to take here: be consistent, say what you mean and mean what you say; don't rescue; don't give in and look for the positives.

Being consistent can be hard. How often have you been in the supermarket with a young child who insists you buy some lollies? At the start you are resolute in saying no, but by the time you have been there half an hour and the child is about to have a tantrum, or is having one, your resistance is low and you're tempted to give in if you haven't already done so. This is an example of what Burnett calls not following through - you make a threat or you say no but eventually give in. The consequence of this is that the child doesn't believe you or knows he can wear you down.

The other way parents can become inconsistent is when Mum and Dad say different things. The child soon learns that she can play one off against the other and usually goes for the more lenient of the two.

In addition to consistency, parents also need to say what they mean and mean what they say. And at the same time they must spell out exactly what it is they do mean. If you ask your child to clean up her room, for instance, exactly how do you define that? Do you want toys off the floor and clothes in the wardrobe? If so, then you need to say so. Otherwise the command "Tidy your room!" is open to the child's interpretation which might be totally different from yours!

Once you do set limits, don't then be tempted to rescue your child - a trap some parents, or even grandparents if they're around, fall into. "The trouble with this," says Burnett, "is that if a child is continually rescued or let off, she will start expecting to be rescued. One that becomes a pattern the child won't expect to suffer any negative consequences for her actions".

The fourth step parents should take in teaching responsibility is that of not giving in. The child in the supermarket will quickly learn that if he just has a temper tantrum you will give in, while other strategies children use are the "I hate you" routine, or the "I love you" routine when they want something! But this is not something to take literally.

"Saying 'I hate you!' usually just means 'You won't let me do what I want," advises Burnett "and it's important to realise that every time you give in to this you're encouraging your child to use the same technique again and he'll keep testing you, thinking you'll give in again next time". Once you stop giving in, your child will soon realise he's wasting his time trying to get you to change your mind.

Of all the steps parents can take in teaching responsibility, and they should all be used together, that of looking for the positive is most important. The idea behind this is to get your child to work for the positive praise he or she will get from you. To do this, try to catch your children doing something right ("You shared your toys with your little brother and you didn't fight once. I'm very pleased with you for that").

While instilling responsibility won't take place overnight and you won't see results right away, it's important to know that the response usually occurs once your children have left home. When that happens, you can relax in the knowledge that you have indeed raised responsible, accountable children.

Sheila O'Connor