"Look before you leap" is an old saying but it is a wise one. Selecting the right partner is one of life's most important decisions. It is a choice which requires the utmost care. These are some areas to consider before you say, "I do."

Is my partner emotionally stable and mature?

A lack of stability and maturity is the most common cause of failed marriages.

Immaturity has many guises. Some have a poor capacity to cope with frustration or the postponement of immediate pleasure. Others allow apprehension to dominate their lives. They see the world as a threatening place; they feel that all the world is against them. Some are very indecisive, unable to make up their own minds and very reliant on the opinion of others. Some hunger for affection. No amount of affirmation is enough for them. They are the people who find it difficult to believe that they are lovable. They almost apologise for their existence. Some others try to hide their inadequacy relying on drugs or alcohol. Finally there are the cool, reserved types. They keep everyone at an arm's length and are unable to cope with intimacy and affection.

All these types are immature people. Beware of making a life with any one of them. It is a mistake to believe that you will be able to "rescue" or "convert" such people. Unless the person does some serious work on these deficiencies before marriage, think twice before you say "I do." Immature tendencies tend to persist through life.

Do we respect each other?

A modern Christian marriage is built on love and mutuality. Each partner is to be respected as an equal. Marriage cannot be truly successful if one partner dominates the other or treats him or her as an inferior.

Does my partner exhibit personal integrity?

Courtship should give you ample opportunity to assess one another's character. Ask yourself, how honest? how ethical? how respectful of others is my partner? If the answer is "not very", be on your guard. Very few partners become more ethical once they are married. Dishonesty expressed in other settings is usually carried over into relationships. The more promiscuous and dishonest a person is before marriage the more likely they are to be unfaithful after marriage.

Do I know the family background?

Family of origin has shaped your partner's life. Get to know your partner's family. You will learn a great deal by observing how they behave and how they treat one another.

Are we spiritually compatible?

In the end, mutuality in marriage is a question of spirituality. Shared values, life experience, culture help to strengthen marriages. Faith is the keystone of a Christian marriage. Very few marriages survive as Christian if faith is not present, shared and constantly developed.

How do family and friends see the relationship?

If those who know and love you best approve of your decision to marry, chances are that the relationship will work out well. If the wise counsel of family and friends is against marrying, you should be concerned that you are about to make a big mistake.

Do we know one another well enough?

It takes time to truly know a person and to form a mature judgement about them. There is a lot of evidence to suggest that people who marry before they are twenty years old are very likely to break up. Before you say "I do" you need to be sure. If you are not sure, take some more time. Don't rush into marriage.

Michael Gilbert, C.Ss.R.