Tom was a bright, happy boy. In the middle of grade 5, Tom's family moved house and he changed schools. After a good start, Tom fell behind with his work. His parents had always known him as easy going. Now he seemed tense and stressed. Tom's parents thought that school was the problem, but asking Tom what was going on just made him angry. Finally, the truth came out. Tom was being bullied. A classmate, sensing Tom's insecurity, had been tormenting and humiliating him.

Bullying is deliberate psychological, emotional or physical harassment, with a marked imbalance in power between the child bullied and the bully. Professor Ken Rigby defines bullying as "the wilful, conscious desire to hurt, threaten or frighten someone." The behaviour is ongoing, beyond an occasional disagreement or fight.

When a child finds the courage to confide in parents about what is happening, most mums and dads are extremely upset. Feelings of anger, frustration, shame, confusion, fear, disappointment, inadequacy and failure are common. But once parents know a child is being bullied, they can make some decisions about the most effective action to take.

Helping victims

Counsellor Sue Berne suggests that parents should encourage children to believe that they have the right to be treated with respect, the right to their own opinions and point of view. This is the basis for a confident, positive approach. Here are some possible strategies Sue suggests for handling bullies:

* Just walk away: if a victim tries this, there's a chance the bully will follow them. It must be done consistently, so the bully learns that persistence is no use.

* Tell the bully how their behaviour is making you feel. Bullies often don't understand how their behaviour affects their victim. Some are just very insensitive and seeing things from your point of view will help.

* Tell someone you trust. If there is no one at school who will help, you must tell someone at home.

* Work on your friendships. The more support you have, the less likely bullying will upset you.

Helping bullies

If your child is a bully, they can be helped to change their behaviour. An American boys' school ran a successful program to "rehabilitate" bullies. The boys were taught to see how the behaviour of other children that they interpreted as hostile was in fact "neutral" or "friendly". They learned to take the perspective of others. They were then trained to control their anger while acting out situations that might lead them to lose their temper.

Bullying has long been a trial that children have suffered alone, uncertain as to whether the adults who care for them will listen or help. The "code of secrecy" surrounding bullying must be broken so victims and bullies can receive the help they need.

Sarah Martin